By Mr. William
A couple of years ago I started writing the story of my own battles with COPD and severe Asthma by giving my disease a name, ‘Lenny’, and several times a month sharing what might be going on with ‘Lenny’ and Me for Today. For a couple of those years I was very consistent with keeping that story going, along with Reflections of COPD/Asthma, The Language/Words of COPD/Asthma and even a lengthy time of Meditations for those with a Chronic Illness.
But somewhere along the way in the past year I slipped and began struggling with being very consistent with my writings, enough that I began a series called the ’12-Steps for Being Chronically Ill’ and got through step 3 before wandering off into a world of limbo once again, three months ago.
I touched on this with my last “’Lenny’ and Me 4 Today” back in late July, thinking I had recharged my batteries and was ready to go – but it appears I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was.
Instead I found myself once again fighting off some of those ‘battles within’ that many of us have, even those who may not be fighting a chronic illness.
What do I mean as a battle within? I am talking about being my own worst enemy – myself – and not feeling like I can get the job done, not feeling like my writing is good enough to be read, not being okay with myself, and not being ready to handle success.
The last one seems to have been a constant for me over my years, going back as far as high school and leaving my first writing job because I just didn’t think I could cut it long term (plus I was offered a job where my girlfriend worked and as a teenager that was duly important).
For life as I have known it, I have been insecure with my gifts – such as playing the flute (quit while I was second chair of the youth symphony in a town of 200,000), or my writing. I have always been told I am a people person, and I am once I get out and about – yet many times I will fight panic attacks during the process of going into a situation with lots of people.
I was darn good in the food service business for several years, but always seemed to sabotage my own career with disagreements at the wrong times with bosses I needed to get me to better positions within the company.
I failed miserably when I became a manager for a Radio Shack at the ripe old age of 21 despite being a very productive assistant manager/salesperson in every store I worked at ahead of the opportunity. Why did I fail – because I sabotaged my own worked by feeling overwhelmed by all that needed to be done to fix the store and then not getting it done.
Even in the past year, I still find my self getting overwhelmed so easily with things I should or need to be doing – like workouts to help with my COPD/Asthma diseases, diets to get my weight down, writings for a local media outlet.
Sometimes I realize my biggest battle within is the battle I have with the idea of success – I just seem to get overwhelmed by the idea or thought of it and then without thinking will do something to sabotage it, sometimes to the point that it doesn’t get done.
With my writing it is sometimes called writer’s block, with me it is worse – it is the fear that maybe what everyone says is such a great piece of communication is found by me as not good enough which in turns make me fearful of putting my writings out there to be judged by the serious ones like editors of media outlets or other authors.
While battling my COPD/Asthma, I battle myself as much as anything. I battle the worry of setting off a breathing attack while trying to push myself with much needed workouts. I battle myself with little things, like eating the right stuff because I am too weak to give up some of those eats that I love so much like potatoes, chocolate, bread and pasta – despite knowing giving them up will help my future of life itself.
So, bear with me please as I work through another on going battle with my inner self, all the while knowing that my writing can and does make a difference with some – I just must remember that success is okay, and my writing is a gift to be shared.
So, bear with me please as I work to get back on track and work at making some changes in my life to help me not feel so overwhelmed by what I would like to be doing, but feel comfortable with getting done what I can do at these moments in this section of my travels of life.
So, I say thank you to those who have shown me grace and appreciation as I attempt to make a difference in the world of the chronically ill, while I lay my own inside battles out totally naked to my readers in order that they may not feel so alone in their own battles.
And that my friends, is where ‘Lenny’ and Me are 4 today.
As always, if you or anyone you know have any symptoms involving lung and breathing functionality, and they linger over and over while disrupting a lifestyle – then please ask questions and get it checked out.
ALWAYS REMEMBER > A person without good breathing, is a person with a life of constant caution’, so let’s do what we can, to learn what we can, to improve what we can.
With that, I bid to all – smiles, prayers, blessings and steady breathing – Mr. William.
(Copyright@2018, CrossDove Writer through wheezingaway.com – no part of this write may be used or copied without written permission.)
NOTES: Sometimes we share what may seem like medical information, but we are only giving descriptions and highlights of various aspects of having COPD and/or Asthma and no way do we ever want our information to be considered medical treatment type of information, always consult your physician for more, clearer medical founded information.