LOOKING TOWARD MY FUTURE BY SAYING GOODBYE TO A PAST
By Mr. William
“A person without good breathing, is a person with a life of constant caution, so let’s do what we can, to learn what we can, to improve what we can.” (Will Dursens)
First thing I want to say is – “I am sorry”.
I am sorry for letting my followers, friends, and family down on keeping up my writing about my health issues with heart, COPD, severed Asthma and depression.
So, I am starting from scratch once again and like the old saying goes – ‘it isn’t so much how often you fall, but how often you are willing to get back up and go again’ – I am starting over again.
As the title of my first ‘Lenny & Me’ posting for 2021 says – ‘GRASPING MORTALITY’ – I am doing a bit of just that exactly.
One of the first definitions one would find when looking up ‘mortality’ is “the state of being subject to death”.
While I have had several instances in my life where death knocked on my own door, including the one extremely dramatic and club type banging on my door in 2012 when I literally died for a few minutes in the local ER, the mortality I am referring to is the one I dealt with on a personal level the final few months of 2020, and it had nothing to do with the Coronavirus.
My father turned 90 on December 9th, and for much of this past nine months myself and my three siblings watched as our father began a slow and then very quick journey into dementia.
Beginning with some major memory issues in the early springs that developed as the weeks and months went along to the point where we had to take his driving away from him for fear he would get lost to finally beginning in the fall when he showed more depth to the signs of not knowing who people were, we watched him slowly deteriorate.
We got together and celebrated his 90th birthday nearly two months early in mid-October when he still knew who we all were.
By the time we got to his actual birthday, we saw him have signs of not only major memory loss but severed struggles with balance and taking care of himself, including feeding himself.
Within 48 hours after his 90th birthday, our father fell into deep dementia and by then we had caretakers watching him overnight and three times a week so my older sister and younger brother could get a break from doing it.
Unfortunately, on the morning of December 21, my father fell into a deep sleep and for the next seven days never woke up until finally on the morning of December 28, he passed away.
I went home to Nebraska for four days the week of Christmas to help keep vigil with him before I needed to return home to gather more meds and clothes the evening of Christmas.
My siblings shared videos the final three days and both of my adult children and families made adventures up to spend a few final hours talking to a grandfather they loved so much while hoping he was hearing in his sleep their love and appreciation for all he did for them.
When my brother called me and told me that my father had passed, I realized immediately, that I was now the oldest male carrying on the Snesrud name on one whole corner of the family tree, and for a moment it both gave me a sense of huge responsibility and a sense of fear at the same time.
I am not sure I am ready for the responsibility, especially when I seem at times to struggle with living my own life more fully despite being disabled due to lung and heart issues.
In reading some of my father’s old sermons (he was an outstanding pastor to five strong congregations over a 40-time span) did I realize I had a couple of his best gifts – I love to talk, share and get to know people, plus I seem to have a unique ability to write and, in those writings, I seem to be able to make people think, listen, feel, and respond, all strong points of my father’s ministry over the years.
I also fully realized within all the people who have since shared their condolences and Dad stories with us since his passing, that my father was really awesome in conveying a life full of pure joy, faith, hope, grace and love to his flock, family and friends.
What does mortality have to do with this writing/posting?
The idea that my father was ‘the subject to his death’ made it truly clear to me that my days are truly numbered and because of the kind of health issues I have had over the past 30-plus years, I realized in a big way that the odds of myself making to the age of 90 were probably pretty darn slim.
So, in visually taking on the slow demise of my father’s health and life as we had always known it, to the point of his passing from this earthly realm to the next spiritual adventure, I was grasping the idea of my own mortality and with it, the thoughts of just what may lay ahead for me and those who travel along with me in this earthly world.
In ‘grasping mortality’ I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I still have a whole lot to offer with my gift of writing and talking.
In ‘grasping mortality’ I now know I must take on the full responsibility to those around my life travels in sharing things I may know, things I think others should know and the reality that we are all tied together in one way or another.
In ‘grasping mortality’ I have an obligation to reset my own legacy once again as to what others, including my family and closest friends, will be thinking over, remembering, and holding in their minds and hearts when I, like my father, may come face-to-face with my own mortality at a time which I do not know.
I have, in 2021, an opportunity to regrasp my own legacy and I want that legacy to show that I can and will better my health issues with proper eating, exercise and meditation while also using my gift of writing to share about many things, people, places and all, so that I can leave a legacy of hope, faith, grace and love such as my father has left for me.
A question to my readers, do you know your legacy that will be left behind when you face your mortality?
A REMINDER – Do you have any comments or questions about my postings, then feel free to leave a comment on either at this blog, at the email address of firstname.lastname@example.org or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/copdtravels/.
ALWAYS REMEMBER (because I have COPD and severe Asthma) – If you or anyone you know have any symptoms involving lung and breathing functionality, and they linger over and over while disrupting a lifestyle – then please ask questions and get it checked out.
With that, I bid to all – smiles, prayers, blessings and steady breathing – Mr. William.
(Copyright@2021, CrossDove Writers through wheezingaway.com – no part of this write may be used or copied without written permission.)
NOTES: Sometimes we share what may seem like medical information, but we are only giving descriptions and highlights of various aspects of having COPD and/or Asthma and no way do we ever want our information to be considered medical treatment type of information, always consult your physician for more, clearer medical founded information.